Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
