i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
