How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
