Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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