She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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