one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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