Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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