I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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