Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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