WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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