My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
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