You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
