imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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