why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
