Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
