The maid of honor just puked.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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