I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
