Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
