when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
