Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
