Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
