That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
