You made me cry and you don't even care
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
