Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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