I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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