last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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