oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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