This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
