So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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