please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
