I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
