my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
