I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
