living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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