im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
