I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
We left an ass print on the piano.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
