Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
