I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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