I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Randomize
