look no pants
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
