Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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