wanna go halves on a baby?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
