I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I think i got beer on your cat.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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