I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
