i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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