LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
don't judge my taste in strippers
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
