You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
