I accidentally burped into my bong.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
