my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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