I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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