piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
